Dear Doctor Jarvik: Are You G**?

[WARNING. THE FOLLOWING POST MAY CONTAIN POLITICALLY-INCORRECT INNUENDOS. IF THIS OFFENDS YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST.]

Are you gay?

Forgive me for asking this doctor, but I have been getting a lot of flack over at Pharma Marketing Blog after I suggested you might be gay (see "Jarvik: A Modern DTC Tragedy").

Actually, I first suggested you were a "fop," which I guess is an old fashioned term for gay male person. See my post "Lipitor's Jarvik: Fop or Flop?"

We all know you are a “flop” – at least as far as being the Lipitor spokesperson is concerned, although Pfizer sold $billions and $billion worth of Lipitor while you worked for them for a mere $1.35 million, which is a pretty good return on their investment when all is said and done.

When I predicted you’d be a flop I never thought it would be because you are not a licensed physician or can’t row. I thought you’d flop because you were gay and that image for a cardiovascular drug brand would not resonate with consumers like me – older men who are homophobic.

Yes, I admit it. I am a homophobe. Well, at least when it comes to choosing a cardiologist. I also don’t like getting massages from men.

What I didn’t realize, however, was that there is an equal number of people out there who are not men – they’re called women, many of whom like to hang with gay men (I am told; you know – like “Will and Grace”). Maybe, your soft “boyish” looks and gentle voice works well with women, more of whom should be taking Lipitor but don’t because the medical profession is too focused on men when it comes to cardiovascular disease prevention and treatment.

You’ll notice, doctor Jarvik, that I just used the word “boyish” to describe you. I hope that doesn’t offend you. I picked it up from a 1986 Playboy article I just read over at PharmaGossip. The author of that article described you as “small and thin, with boyish good looks.” You were 39 then, so you must be about 61 now. May I say that you look marvelous, simply marvelous! And we all know that when we look good, we feel good.

Truthfully, I was perusing that Playboy article to see if there was any hint that the author thought you were gay. I managed to come up with these curious insights into your sexuality:

• According to the author, you like ties that are “lavender or lilac, sometimes shiny, sometimes almost--I don't know--punk.” I’m not sure what “punk” was code for in 1986, but the lavender/purple tie you wore in the first Lipitor commercial you were in was what caught my attention and inspired me to label you a fop; I also thought it was a branding faus pas considering that lavender/purple is the Nexium brand color whereas tried-and-true (and non-gay might I add) blue is the Lipitor brand color;
• You also own a “a lightweight pink racing bicycle,” which the author saw in your study; add to this the baby blue (not a manly dark or navy blue) running shoes you had neatly lined up in one of your more recent Lipitor commercials and one would have to conclude that you have a decidedly gay color preference;
• You spent a lot of time designing a dildo with a unicorn on the end;
• A guest at a dinner you were at said to the author: "I don't trust men who like unicorns."; "Yeah," the author said, "but what about men who like dildos?", which I interpreted to mean “only gay men like dildos”;
• As far as liking unicorns goes, you decided to prove you didn’t like unicorns by redesigning the dildo so it looked more like an antelope and you made a big deal out of it;
• You have a “high-pitched giggle” and are known to giggle “like a teenager” in front of women;
• You asked the author if he could procure an “interesting lady who might like to accompany” you to dinner; there was a mysterious lady that supposedly canceled on you at the last minute, but no-one had seen her; I dunno, if it were me, I’d just ask if my friend could set me up with a prostitute, not a “lady;”
• You gave the author – who is a guy – a T-shirt with a heart on it and then giggled and said: "Look, he's got a heart-on."
• You were divorced in 1985 and never re-married.

All this is circumstantial, I know. But it could suggest that you are gay, wouldn’t you agree?

The answer to the question of whether or not you are gay is extremely important to me. As I said, many people are giving me flack over at my other blog for these innuendos I am spreading. Comments like:

“I'm disappointed that you felt the need to bring up questions about Jarvik's sexuality. How is that at all relevant? The only thing that reveals is your own homophobia…”

and

“I felt deceived reading your post. Here I was, expecting some insight into the heart of the matter, and instead I wound up reading the hateful words of a guy who clearly has some kind of homophobia issues…I'll never read your blog again.”

Of course, I feel a little vindicated now that other bloggers (Peter Rost over a BrandweekNRx and Jack Friday over at PharmaGossip) have “outed” the Playboy story, which clearly focuses on your sexuality and leaves it open as to whether you are gay or not.

It appears that this story will continue to morph and circle ever tighter around the true nature of your sexuality. So, to put an end to this speculation once and for all, please tell me if you are gay or not.

Sincerely yours,

John Mack